New Job + New Thoughts

Hi.

A lot’s happened. And the last few weeks have been kind of a blur.

I got a job working from home for a company called Foxio. I cut off a lot of my hair. The weather decided to remember it’s December in Indiana. So now it’s cold + snowy.

It’s a transition working remotely, but I do enjoy what I’m doing. It’s a small company, but it’s what I want to pursue with my career: front-end web development + design.

I accepted the position right before Thanksgiving. Not to be corny… but talk about something for which to be thankful. I began December 5th with a week on-location for job training. It was overwhelming. I still have a lot to learn, but my coworkers are great. While there, I was able to stay with a friend and meet others for dinner. Those friendly faces helped a lot.

So I’m remaining in my hometown for now. And it’s not a bad place. There’s some really good tacos, excellent bakeries, a wonderful downtown, and one of my favorite coffee shops. I’m proud of where I come from.

But still inside me there seems to be a feeling of discontent. I’m still itching to get out on my own. And I’m trying to to work with that. Having a remote job as a first position is a bit unusual, and I can’t help but feel like God has some sort of a plan in mind.

So until then, I’m trying to find how I belong here, where I am. I’ve lived through the summer and autumn with a one-foot-in-one-foot-out mentality. Though I’ve been trying to settle in, now that I know I’m staying for the time being I suppose I feel a little more committed.

I’ve found a small church/Sunday school in which I’m beginning to feel at home. I’ve helped out with an event at church… and been informed that I will be asked back. I’m making plans months ahead. Maybe I’ll start taking a yoga class…

I suppose I’m nestling for now.

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The Land Between

A photo by Tim de Groot. unsplash.com/photos/M_eB1UjE0do

GOD, your God, has blessed you in everything you have done. He has guarded you in your travels through this immense wilderness. For forty years now, GOD, your God, has been right here with you. You haven’t lacked one thing. Deuteronomy 2:7 (MSG)

I’ve been quiet since I graduated. I’ve started writing this post dozens of times… well, at least I’ve thought about starting it. I kept putting it off because I knew it would be difficult. Putting all of these things into actual words might hurt. But maybe, like the rain that we so desperately needed is falling outside my window to revive the fields, writing this will revitalize my spirit.

I’ve had the tendency to look at the world through rose-colored glasses. The glass is half-full. And I’ll have a job before I graduate. No sweat.

Ha.

But I moved home with some job leads and a reality that I could be moving to Washington, D.C. in a few weeks.

I’m still here. Half of my life and all of my tea is still boxed away in the basement. And it’s free rent, so no arguments there. But it’s been hard to keep playing Pollyanna. I’ve been called out by my family for my attitude, which is not a new thing, but not something that happens frequently.

I’ve struggled being home for the longest time ever in a year and half. I’ve struggled watching my classmates get jobs. I’ve struggled with the deafening silence that meets most of my job applications. I’ve struggled with entry-level positions that want 3 years of experience. I’ve struggled with the uncertainty of making long-term plans. I’ve struggled with not having a job for the first time in six years.

I’ve applied to 63 jobs.

Sixty-three.

Silence.

I’m plagued with questions from myself and others. What do you want to do? What are you looking for? Have you looked here? Here? Here? Are your standards too high?

Waiting. Applying. E-mailing.

Wandering.

The church I attended in college (Oh Commonway, how I miss you.) did a sermon series on Moses over the summer. And I was listening to one titled The Land Between in which Pastor Matt spoke on the 40 years the Israelites wandered in the desert. And I thought to myself, “Yes, that’s where I am.”

I’m just wandering around. Not in the wilderness but in the Land ‘o Goshen. Though some may say they’re the same thing.

Someday, somewhere, I know that the Promise Land (see: job) lies in my future. Not a dream job. But at least a purpose. Something to wake up for in the morning. I’m waiting for positive responses to my applications like waiting for answers to come down from Mount Sinai.

Over dramatic? Maybe. But these waves of melancholy tend to leave me as such. And like the Israelites, despite all of the blessings God has given me, I too, have found it hard to trust Him. 

It’s been so easy to get discouraged. Doubtful. What have I done with my summer? How is it already August?

And I don’t have any answers. I don’t know why I’m still here, unemployed, half-scared to be stuck in Goshen forever and half-scared to leave. And it’s been easy to mark my entire summer off as a failure. I forget about the manna. I’m missing the forest for the trees. Those silver linings have tarnished. I’m missing how God has been providing for me. Some I’ve pushed aside—forgetting to pause and appreciate the sunflowers that have been given to me this summer, and some that will come into focus when I move out of this season of my life.

I was able to see two high school friends and a cousin get married this summer because I’ve been home. I’ve attended bachelorette parties, bridal showers, and baby showers because I am home. I was able to go meet my pen pal from Ontario and attend her wedding because I didn’t have a job to work around. I was able to visit MBZ in Crown Point because my weeks were free. I was able to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law when they came home for July 4th because I was still at home. I was able to make a new friend because I am home. I’ve had adventures with my mom because I am home. I’ve taken MBZ all over Goshen when she’s visited her beau because I’m still in Goshen. I could do a round of Whole 30 with my parents because I am home. I could go on an overnight shopping adventure in Schaumburg, IL with my sister because I am home and don’t have a job.

These are some of my summer Ruth Blessings. When Naomi returned to Bethlehem with Ruth, her daughter-in-law, she became Mara, bitter. But, cultural issues about not having a male provider aside, I always felt like Ruth was slighted in this change of Naomi’s. Ruth stayed by her side and through her presence God continued to bless Naomi. Ruth gleaned in the fields. Ruth found a provider and protector. Ruth gives her a grandbaby.

“He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has given birth to him.” Ruth 4:15 (ESV)

More to you than seven sons.

Sometimes, you just don’t know what something can grow into. Like those people you pick out and decide to just spend a lot of time with… you know, friends.

I’ve been blessed with friends who are always up for long chats. Phone. Facetime. Texting. Coffee at the Brew. Bubble tea on courthouse steps. I am blessed with a group of girls who all revive my spirit in unique and different ways. When my worries, anxieties, and my inability to pause because I run around like a wind-up car—in uncertain paths and running into the occasional wall. Or a solar-powered hula dancing girl.  They hold the key to wind me back up. They are the sun that recharges my wiggle. The Ruth to my Mara (babies not necessary).

So I’m continuing to hula along. I’ve decided it’s time to settle in. Who knows, I might be here for awhile. That tea may be unpacked. September 1st, I’ll head to the temp agency and see what jobs I can find. I’m finding a Sunday School to belong to. I’m considering volunteering with middle school or junior high girls. I’ll begin to cultivate a life in the Land ‘o Goshen. To try and become content.

“Where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow.” – The Secret Garden

And besides, I’m not alone. Though sometimes it’s hard to believe.

“God, I’m sick of this, but I’m going to trust that you see what I’m going through. I’m gonna trust that you’re with me even in this.” – Matt Carder, Pastor at Commonway Church, Muncie, Indiana

 


 

This has been a crazy-long post, and thanks for making it through the analogies, cliches, and idioms. And the general crazy word-vomiting of my soul. I’ve had three months of angsty roller-coaster thoughts to work through. We’ll take a lighter turn for the next few posts… including a recap on my trip to Canada! 🙂

Last First Day of School… EVER

Yesterday marked the last first day of school I’ll ever have (barring grad school, which seems highly unlikely). I always loved the first day of school. It smells like freshly sharpened Ticonderogas, (the only pencil worth using, as Mr. Kreider advised), new notebooks, and, my favorite, brand new crayons.

I tried not to let my mind get clouded with thoughts about what would happen after school. Instead I reminisced. To commemorate this momentous occasion, I decided to recreate the outfit I wore on my very first day of school… all those years ago.

What is/was your first favorite part about the first day of school?

Leibster Award

LA

When Crystal from LatelyWithCrystal left me a comment letting me know she had nominated me for the liebster award, I must admit, I was flummoxed. I had no idea what that meant. So I asked one of my friends (Google). Some bloggers refer to it as a blogging chain letter. That’s no fun! No one likes those! I prefer to call it a game of tag! But anyways as Crystal wrote:

The liebster award is an award that is given to a blogger by other bloggers and is about connecting bloggers and helping smaller blogs get known.

The Rules:
1. Must link back to the person who nominated you
2. Answer the questions given to you by the nominator 
3. Nominate 11 other bloggers with less than 200 followers 
4. Create 11 questions for the nominees 
5. Notify the people you nominated by commenting on their blog or on twitter

Crystal’s Questions:

1. Shoes or bags?
I do love shoes, but I wear a size 5 and that’s really hard to find so sometimes shoe shopping is depressing. But bags, they never let you down.

2. What do you love about blogging?
I love the opportunity to share what I’m thinking about … even if no one is reading it.

3. What kind of blog posts do you like to read most?
I love to read reviews on almost anything and a smattering of lifestyle blogs that I follow on Bloglovin’.

4. What is your favorite season?
Spring 🙂

5. Who is one of your fashion icons?
As far as an actual person, I don’t know if I have an answer to this but I LOVE Kate Spade.

6. If you could travel anywhere right now, where would you go?
London.

7. What inspires you to write?
A lot of different things. Sometimes it’s just a way of working through what’s going on in my life other times it’s something I’ve read or heard.

8. Tell a random fact about you.
I can do a really good dog bark impersonation. (Small dog)

9. What’s the meaning behind your blog name?
Kel-logs (aside from the play on the cereal brand) is a throwback to a nickname I got in my high school art class. Miss Kelly Dee is a throwback to another nickname I got in high school (Miss Kelly) and Dee for my middle name (Dawn)

10. What is your favorite quote?
I’m a huge quote junkie! But…. I’ve narrowed it down:

“How rare and beautiful it is to even exist”  Sleeping at Last

“Sometimes you just have to put on lipgloss and pretend to be psyched” Mindy Kaling

“Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and a dress.” -Kiera Cass

11. What are three things you cannot live without?

1. Jesus
2. Books
3. Art
4. Family

I’m Nominating: (I checked followers on Bloglovin’)

Jordan from http://missjordanlee.wordpress.com
Maci from http://macishingleton.wordpress.com
Haley from http://haleyhopegill.wordpress.com
Young and Twenty from http://youngandtwenty.com/
Katie from http://lifewithblessings.com/
Daniella from http://realnotideal.blogspot.ca
Ali from http://in-bloom-blog.blogspot.com/
Katy from http://www.theroadtothere.me/
Joy from http://joycarolinemills.wordpress.com
Lizzie Mackay from http://lizziem-lizziem-lizziem.blogspot.com/
Stella from http://teaseyourtoes.blogspot.com/

My Questions: 

  1. What’s your favorite go-to nail polish color?
  2. Last book you read?
  3. Favorite movie for a rainy day?
  4. If you were a breakfast food, what would you be?
  5. What is something on your bucket list that you’ve accomplished?
  6. Why did you start blogging?
  7. Historical or futuristic movies?
  8. What’s your favorite article of clothing?
  9. Do you wear socks to sleep?
  10. Who’s the last person you called?
  11. Do you have any nicknames?

Hope you enjoyed this post!

Kelly xx

We all have those nights

Those nights that getting ready for bed seems like too much effort? No? Just me?

Well, on those nights, sometimes I tend to fall into those deep black holes known as Buzzfeed and online quizzes.

Anyone else? Yeah.

But the fun part comes when those quizzes are actually a on point. Here’s a few answers that I took a several nights ago that oddly matched me. The titles of the quizzes might be a bit off, I took screenshots of my answers the night before… without keeping track of the quizzes.

Which literary character are you?

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While there are several literary figures I connect with, Jo March is definitely in the top 6. If you haven’t looked into the musical version of Little Women, you really, really, really need to. No, really.

Which European country should you live in?

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I’ve never been there, but I’d like to think I’d fit in nicely. And I’d like to visit the crown jewels. Because Sherlock. Also Doctor Who phone boxes.

What is your interior design style?

Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 11.56.50 PM

I never know exactly what kind of interior design style I have. I love modern styles but also antiques. Bold walls and 40 shades of white. But this has described my style more than any other quiz I’ve taken.

Which fairytale character are you?

Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 11.53.51 PM

 

This one is just funny because I played Little Red Riding Hood in my high school’s production of Into the Woods. Somehow, it keeps following me. But I don’t mind, I connect with her as well. 🙂

 

Have you ever had online quizzes give you oddly perfect answers?

10 Thoughts: Sophomore Year Wrap-Up

I’m a melancholy state. It’s past 11:00 pm on a Sunday night, and as I’m sitting on my bed typing this listening to the mellow and blues-y Nathan Angelo, I hear thunder and rain outside my window and running through the eaves.

Day and night I am always tired. But at night I try to stay up just late enough, until I am exhausted enough, until I can fall into my bed and into immediate slumber. Because I can’t stand to lie in my bed in a dark room alone with my thoughts for so many hours.

But I’ll try to stay positive for you, dear readers, whoever you may be. If you exist. (That is just the kind of mood I’m in.) So here are 10 thoughts in no particular order about my sophomore year in college.

1. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Freshman year I really wanted to learn how to swing dance and join the Ball State Swing Dance Society but I was too chicken to go alone. This year, I didn’t go alone but went with a friend I new attended. I didn’t realize how much I would love it. I only wish I had someone to practice with over the summer because Lindy Hop is tough! But I discovered that I adore blues dancing, and that is something I can practice solo.

2. Accept being a S.H.I.P. If you’re at all familiar with the “fandom” worlds the term generally means to place two people/characters into a relationship together. It’s like matchmaking. But one evening, after watching about 3-4 episodes of Private Practice with my friend, we found ourselves slightly bothered by the way we spent our evening. Sure, the current portrayal of college life includes Netflix, but the only other option it gives you for a weekend night is to go out and party. The latter is an option we just can’t accept for several reasons.With bits of our discussion in her head the next morning at swim practice, she created this lovely acronym:

Single – I’m single and finding it hard to mingle. While I’m generally a-okay in my relationship status, the recent engagements of my peers on Facebook have got me down. Also, of my 6 best friends from high school 4 are in serious relationships and one is married.

Hermit – I prefer to spend my days in studio completing my projects or just chilling in my dorm room. Alone. I’m a wallflower with large groups of people. 

Introverted – I have to recharge away from people. Luckily I’ve found some amazing girls who I can recharge with while being social.

Poor – Seriously, this college life. I’ve been blessed with an on campus (paid) internship for the next two years. Praise the LORD.

And it’s funny we are SHIP but we never get shipped or even on the dock for that matter.

There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by my self. – Brian Andreas

3. I’m in the right major. Don’t we all have those moments when we feel like everything we’re doing with our life is wrong? The art department requires a year of fine arts core classes before applying to the Visual Communications program. This year I was finally able to take courses that gave me a glimpse of my future. And I got so very excited.

4. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I’m returning to the same job I’ve had for the past (almost) 4 years. This has nothing to do with my major. As someone told me today, working there will motivate you to finish your degree. YES. Maybe it’s the monotony. But returning to my small town this summer while at least 6 people I know are gallivanting around Europe is really hard for me. I’ve always thought of myself as a dreamer. “…you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.” But reality has hit me really hard this year. I haven’t decided if it’s for the best yet or not. Reality has told me that my dream of traveling to Europe and finally seeing art that I’ve studied and wrote about in school, is a long, long way off. It’s not plausible to study abroad with my major, and after I graduate there will be student loans and a job… and in a job you can’t really take off for two weeks to spend every day in the Louvre. And honestly, dear readers, the feeling of a crushed dream can make a girl cry.

5. I need to bide my time with palms toward Heaven. Something I’ve really struggled with (not just this year) is letting go of my need to control my future. Allowing GOD to take me where He wants to lead me, is better than anything I could ever imagine. I just forget. A lot. Forgive me for picking up what I’ve already laid down at your feet.

6.  Movie quotes can be applied to absolutely any situation. I’ve been blessed with amazing friends that I thank GOD for all the time. Together, we’ve created our own language comprised of different movies, tv shows and music we love or have… at least seen. The downside is that not everyone has always seen these movies… So when you sarcastically remark “You’re tacky and I hate you.” (School of Rock) “Boo you whore” (Mean Girls) “You know what? You can leave!” (Napoleon Dynamite) whoever you’re talking to might become very offended.

7. Never forget your Ruth Blessings.  I studied the book of Ruth through the beginning of the school year and while I learned many things, one thing stuck out to me. When Naomi (Mara) and Ruth return to Bethlehem Naomi tells her country people “I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty.” Ruth 1:21. BUT WHAT ABOUT RUTH? She was standing right beside you Naomi, bet she felt real great right then. Ruth became one of Naomi’s biggest blessings.

8. I still hate change. My brother and sister-in-law are most likely moving from their home 1 hour away to one of three different locations around the country. Even though I am excited for them, my heart is torn knowing how far away they will be.

9. I don’t think anyone can thrive in dorm life.

10. The twenties are intimidating. I turned twenty almost two weeks ago. I went in almost kicking and screaming. Ever since my 17th birthday loomed before me, I’ve been dreading each year. But the twenties seem to be the worst. A whole decade of expectations lie before me. The internet is full of these expectations:

20 books to read in your 20s
21 reasons to be single in your 20s
26 perks of being in a serious relationship in your 20s
15 fitness habits you need to establish in your 20s
20 mistakes to avoid in your 20s
10 trips you need to take in your 20s

And then there’s this little “gem”: Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground.

College is nothing like Rory Gilmore showed it to be. Just like no actual high school works like the ones in the movies. Most likely my post-grad years won’t be like F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Lest you think I’m completely bonkers and morbid:

You know I’m old in some ways – in others – well, I’m just a little girl. I like sunshine and pretty things and cheerfulness- and I dread responsibility. – F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

I still feel so much like a little girl. A little girl in a great big world. Perhaps I’m not alone in this. But I feel like no matter how many responsibilities are laid upon my shoulders and no matter how “grown up” I appear to be, I’ll always feel like a little girl.

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. And just when we think life and circumstance have forced us truly to become an adult, your mother says something like that. Or worse, something like that. We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But, for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in. – Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

Peace out.

Nomad Life

My name is Kelly Miller and I’m a nomad.

nomad |ˈnōˌmad| noun

a member of a people having no permanent abode, and who travel from place to place to find fresh pasture for their livestock.

• a person who does not stay long in the same place; a wanderer.

The idea of a nomadic life could sound idyllic to those with wanderlust. But the thing about wanderlust is that there is always someplace to call home. You might pack a carry-on for 21 days (thanks Pinterest) but you’ll eventually return to your (hopefully) clean house, drop your bag by the front door, sink onto the couch, and breath deeply.

Home.

It’s where the heart is, isn’t it?

There’s no place like home.

Enter me. 19-year-old college sophomore. I think one of the hardest parts about the college lifestyle is the inability to settle down. You pack the essentials of life (and then some) into boxes and bins and shove everything into the family vehicle. Hours later, you quickly unpack and try to make your half of your new cubicle as comforting as possible.

Fast forward 8 (ish) months. Pack everything in your dorm back up and wonder how it all fit in the car the first time. Say a tearful goodbye as friends spread across the country and head back to your childhood home. Unpack.

Two months later, repeat the process. If you go home for the weekend, you pack a bag like you’re going to a sleepover. In your house. 

Don’t forget about the bathrooms in college! If you have community bathrooms, you’re constantly toting your toiletries to and from the shower. Even the semi-private bathrooms I have seem absurd! To share a bathroom with 5 (should be 7) other girls that I may not have known before seems odd. And shoes in the shower? Not that I would dare go barefoot! But it  feels so ridiculous to wear them.

This constant wandering is exhausting. I’m in no hurry to get thrust into the big bad real world but somehow a part of me longs to have a permanent docking place. A spot to recharge.

“You have a dorm room.” They say. True but it’s shared. With all of the horror stories about conniving roommates you would think that a better living system would have been put into place. “It’s there so you have someone be social with.” Oh goody. Every introvert’s nightmare. At least both my roommate and I have introversion tendencies…

I’m currently visiting my brother and sister-in-law. I needed to get off campus. Away from college kids. (Even if there is a college in their town) Remind myself that most living quarters come with some sort of kitchen attached and beds that don’t need ladders. But tomorrow I’ll pack my bags, throw them in my car, PJ, and head down I-69. Because that’s what I do. I’m a college student. I don’t truly belong anywhere. I’m a nomad.

 

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